Three Parrots

A Mason was telling a fellow Mason about the trouble he was having with his ritual. His friend said he knew a Brother down the road who sells parrots that know the ritual and then prompt you when you have any trouble.  So the next day off he went to the shop. After strict examination, the owner pulled a curtain to reveal three parrots. The first was wearing a Master's apron, the second had on a MM apron, and the third bore a Grand Lodge apron.

"How much is the one with the Master's apron on?"

"$6000. He knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck"

"No, too expensive. What about the one with the MM apron on?"

"Well, that one is only $3,000. He doesn't know the inner workings, but knows all the ritual and will always prompt you when learning."

"No, still too much I'm afraid. What about the one wearing the Grand Lodge apron?"

"Oh, I can let you have him for just 10 bucks!"

"Why so cheap? He must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"

"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual alright. But when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and mutter 'Tut, tut, tut!'"

Who's the boss

A wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left for the night.  She said, "Honey, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."  "It was postponed." He replied. "The wife of the Generalisimo Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

The entered apprentice

After receiving his enterred apprentice degree the candidate returned home. His wife asked him what happened to him. Recalling that he couldn't give up the secrets of that degree all he could muster was, "Well honey, there were a lot of walkers, talkers and preachers."  With a somewhat confused look on her face she asked what he meant. He explained, "Well, I couldn't see anybody in the room and was guided around. I would stop then somebody would talk. Then I was guided around by someone else, was stopped, then somebody else talked."

His wife then asked, "That explains the walkers and talkers ... what about the preachers?"

He pondered for a moment then finally replied, "Well, often when somebody finished talking I would hear some other people whispering 'Oh, God!'

The light bulb joke

"How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

1. It's a secret.
2. Three or more.
3. You need a Secretary to read the minutes of the last light bulb changing, a Master Mason to change the light bulb, and a Past Master to sit on the sideline and say "That isn't how we did it."
4. Change it! My grandfather donated that light bulb!
5. "How many Past Masters does it take to change a light bulb?" "Why change it...it always worked before?"
6. 20, as follows:
   
   2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
   1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of
   the Lodge.
   3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
   2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
   3 to argue about it.
   5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
   2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
   1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
   1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
    

Whats the score?

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What's going on?", he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St
Columbus." 

"What's the score?" asks the first man.

"I don't know, it's a secret."

The Ticket

Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I see by your car emblem that you are a Fast Master..."

- or -

Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I'm afraid you aren't going to make it to Ethiopia..."

Practice Makes Perfect

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strangely since joining. I enquired in what way?  "He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book."

As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. "Oh fine was his reply." I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.

"No", was his reply. "So why only read the book in the bathroom?
"Well," he said "Its the only TILED room in the house"....

Oh, Oh

Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk
stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff?"

John gives a quick look and whispers, "You remember the installation meeting last year?"

Mike acknowledges and John goes on, "On the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely lady. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'em out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves!"

Too Cool

It seems one of our Past Masters went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Simon W Robinson".

St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.

The Master asked why the clocks were all out of sync. St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.

The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Oh, yours is in the kitchen, of course."

"The kitchen?!", asked the Master.  "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Good News!

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Celestial Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.  By and by, it came to pass that Bill died first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice. "Pssst Pat!"

He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly "Pat! Its me, Bill!"

Pat exclaimed, "Are you in Heaven?" "Indeed I am", said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"

"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well
attended, the ritual is word perfect, the Table Lodge fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."

"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very wonderful! But for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter?"
"Well, Pat, you are right, there is one thing... I have some good news and some bad news."
 

"OK. Whats the good news?"
"The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday."

"Great!", said Pat. "So what's the bad news then?"
"You're gonna be the Inside Sentinal! "

Hunting Story

A story that made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth". A Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after day of his
vacation went by without bagging a deer.

On the last day, as he was about to give up in desperation, he heard a crashing in the woods and saw a glimpse of brown and fired. Silence. Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is protected from hunters to save it from extinction.

As he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing.

Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position. "What shall we do with the body?"

"Cover it, you damn fool," said the Warden, "and make your escape!"

Masons, Masons, Masons...

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.

"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!"

"Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman.

"The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!"

"Is that all?" asked the hangman.

"Yes" replied the convicted murder.

"Then you will advance one step with your left foot..."

Mason's Road

A Mason is on a Business Trip. One day he comes to a small village, somewhere in the north of England. Our Brother is curious to know whether there is a Masonic Lodge or not, so he takes a walk through the village and after some time he finds a path called "Mason's Road". Thinking that the path might lead to the Masonic Temple, he follows it. At the end of the pathway he sees a building, which looks somewhat rotten and seems to have been out of use for quite a while. Our Brother tries to open the door and, surprisingly, it is not locked. He goes inside and finds dust and spider webs everywhere. In front a door there sits a skeleton, wearing an apron , a collar and holding a sword in its hand.

"O my God", thinks our Brother and enters the Lodge room. In puzzlement, he sees skeletons with collars and aprons everywhere. The W.M., the Wardens, the Organist, Deacons - all skeletons. He looks around and goes to the seats of the Secretary and Treasurer.

Under the hand of the Treasurer he finds a small piece of paper, a little note, which he seems to have passed to the Secretary. So our Brother picks up the note, blows away the dust and reads: "If nobody prompts the W.M., we will sit here forever!"

The Hunter

Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him one, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can truly rely on him".

Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"

"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."

Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced." "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him."  So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned. "What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one."

"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"

The Ride

While on holiday in the States a Past Master decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the PM begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly unaware of its slipping rider.  Finally, giving up his frail grip, the PM attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune....

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees the Past Master's dilemma and unplugs the horse.